My ebook outlines my experiences at birth and as a child that indicate supernatural involvement (for those who are inclined to see the supernatural at work). I like to jokingly muse that I’m destined for greatness like the Buddha and others who had interesting birth moments. I wasn’t created out of sea-foam produced from the castrated genitals of the Sky God or anything that so elaborate like Aphrodite. But at the exact moment of my birth, the electricity went out in the hospital. My mother felt sudden relief and then terror as everything went dark and the nurse shouted, “Oh my God!” And while I lived in an environment completely devoid of religion, God communicated with me. Some Christians consider my early experiences to be evidence of God’s grace.
I’ve often wondered since I could see and sense God from my earliest age, shouldn’t I just be a saintly person? Why aren’t I perfect and loving and kind like my creator who dwells with me and within me? Because like all humans, I too had a disconnect between my human self and the Self that breathes life into my human self. My ability to see energy particles in the air and to feel God’s comfort did not give me the ability to see God in others. I just thought I had a friend no one else had and could see things no one else could see.
Still, my ego grew just like everyone else’s does.
And I developed mental afflictions and coping mechanisms consistent with a childhood characterized by profound aloneness, a feeling that I wasn’t very important to anyone, domestic violence and sexual abuse. Most of my life I lived in fear of others and couldn’t be honest with anyone about who I am. I operated from a place of intense shame. And I believed no one could love me if they knew all that I had done and all that had happened to me.
Father Thomas Keating is primarily responsible for the creation of the practice of Centering Prayer. This is a modern system of meditative prayer rooted in Christian mystic tradition and Transcendental Meditation. He teaches that the beginning of the spiritual journey is all about undoing the “emotional programs” we create in early childhood. I was surprised to read this (and wondered how he could know so much about me!) in his book Open Mind Open Heart.
Don’t think that some people are lucky because they have visions when they are five or six years old. These people still have to go through the struggle to dismantle the emotional programs of early childhood. These programs are only temporarily put to sleep by the divine action. One great advantage for such persons, however, is that they know by experience what is missing in their lives and that nothing less than God can ever satisfy them.
How disappointing – and here I thought I was special. I assumed God had picked me out and the path to perfection should have been easy! As an aside, when speaking of God here I’ll using the term “He” loosely. I don’t conceive of the divine fabric of the universe as having a particular gender, but picking a pronoun is a helpful communication tool. Feel free to substitute whatever you like better as you read.
I always wondered if God communicate with me during that troubled time just because He loves me. Alternatively I thought maybe I have a destiny I’m supposed to fulfill. Father Keating would say that I was in “tough shape.” That I needed God’s comfort more than those who don’t have visions as such. According to Father Keating’s teaching, God’s plan for me isn’t any more special than His plan for anyone else.
It makes sense that God meets us where we are and gives us what we need as we need it. That comports with my general experience and world view as well. But I still came to think God wanted me to do something with this knowledge and experience. In some way my ability to live my calling is dependent upon creating a more “mature” and profound connection to the divine. This is what daily practice slowly but steadily reveals.
I don’t complain about my childhood anymore. I felt sorry for myself for many years and asked God “why me?” And I engaged in self-destructive behaviors and the being mean to others that self-pity loves to justify. But now I finally know the answer to that “why me” question – service. I always wanted to serve. I considered being a nun, participated in many volunteer activities, and was drawn to work that helps others rather than maximizes personal income, such as social work. Dorothy Day and Mother Teresa inspired me to want to do what they did and be who they were in the world. I had this vision of myself as a rescuer and healer and teacher. On the other hand, as a youngster I liked partying, fornication, and material comfort. And I never wanted to narrow the possibilities in life to the degree necessary for that kind of greatness.
But perhaps I wasn’t being called to that kind of greatness in the first place. Perhaps my free spirited flitting around was part of what God sent me here to do. But one day while I was praying my daily prayers of gratitude, I was struck with an idea. I ended with, “Thank you for blessing me so richly in this lifetime, show me how to be a blessing to others.” In that moment, I was inspired to write and publish my spiritual healing journey. I felt an overwhelming sense that my story will bless someone who reads it. Maybe my story will help or inspire just one person and that is as “great” as I’m expected to be.
Maybe that person is you? If so leave a comment about your spiritual healing journey or your journey to mindfulness. Maybe your story will be a blessing to me or someone else!