This week’s blog is an excerpt from chapter six of my book.
During week six of my introduction to mindfulness, I pondered how I communicate. More accurately, I pondered how I fail to communicate. Rethinking how we talk to others, how we listen or don’t to others – this has never been my strong suit. In fact, some people have accused of being manipulative by giving people the silent treatment. It’s true that I have given many people the silent treatment many times, but I don’t do it to manipulate. I do it to avoid speaking in anger. For example, when I was married and perhaps annoyed with my husband – he might innocently ask, “What’s for dinner?”
And when I didn’t respond, it might appear to the outside observer that I was being manipulative. But what I was actually doing was squeezing my mouth shut with all my might. In order to avoid screaming, “You can eat shit for all I care.”
Because while I’m not a television psychologist or anything so important, I’m reasonably sure that saying what is on the tip of one’s tongue at any given moment is not necessarily the ticket to relationship bliss. So sometimes I had to just let things rest. I’ve always assumed I was exercising self-control, not being manipulative. My mother once pointed out, “Honey you ignore people. And that really makes people angry.”
I didn’t even used to realize I did that. And I don’t do it nearly as often anymore, thanks to Shantideva. I made a mantra of a line in his book that changed my life: Wrath – my sorrow bearing enemy.
But why can’t I simply not want to talk to someone who’s annoying me? Trust me, if I’m giving you the silent treatment, you’d much prefer it to being on the receiving end of what is going on in my head. Something really awful could come out if I dared open my mouth to speak. But avoiding communication I’ve finally noticed, does not help one achieve harmonious relationships. It’s just barely an improvement over screaming at people in anger. Meditating helped me stop having so many and such strong urges to anger and yelling but learning how to have constructive difficult conversations is way more complicated than conquering wrath.
The meditation for week six was a guided sitting practice called the “mountain meditation.” I have a beautiful mountain in my life. I can see it from my window and drive to it in an hour, so I had a good visual for this meditation.
I sit and the narrator muses about all of the goings on about the mountain. The weather, the visitors, etcetera and tells how the visitors may be disappointed when it’s foggy and they can’t see the mountain. Or it’s rainy and they can’t enjoy their picnic at the mountain. I’m paraphrasing, but the part that stuck in my head is that whatever is going on externally, “the mountain just sits.”
Unaffected by the dramas of people and changes in the weather. I thought of the ways in which I sometimes think I’m being strong, but I’m really just being alone. So no one sees how I’m affected by things.
It has always been easier for me to communicate from my heart with souls – or beings or however you conceive of them, who are not actually physically here. I know that God and the Blessed Mother and my relatives who have transitioned are all pure love, and I don’t have to fear them. Whereas people alive right now are not as easy to deal with.
Without being aware, it’s easiest to listen only enough to judge what people are saying. And to come up with a clever response or think of some helpful advice. And then, of course, if they are doing the same when listening to us, there is no real communication happening. I assume everyone has their own reasons for doing this. But I think my lifelong difficulty with communication stemmed mostly from a fear of saying anything that might “out” myself. As I carried so much shame within me and feared being honest about who I am and who I have been.
And my inability to be a good listener stemmed from my attempt to overcome that shame and feeling of inadequacy by harshly judging others. I still catch myself simultaneously trying to listen, while trying not to forget the great story that I just thought of to tell next when the other person is done talking. But the transformation I’ve noticed is that I am now able to “just sit” like the mountain. I can let people be who they are and say what they say without categorizing everything. Whether it’s a good or bad statement or right or wrong. I just appreciate that we’re connecting and enjoy the experience.
How has your spiritual practice impacted your communications and connections with others?