When I first discovered Thich Naht Hanh (insert heart), I decided to do an exercise of constant mindfulness. This was based upon his account of what happened when he joined the monastery. He says there was a “poem” for everything you do, including going to the bathroom, to train yourself in being present in all activities. I spent the day saying, “walking walking walking” while I walked and saying “washing the dishes I know I’m washing the dishes, washing the dishes I’m grateful I can wash the dishes.” I did the same thing as I vacuumed. “Sweeping, sweeping, sweeping, I know that I’m sweeping, I’m grateful I can sweep, I’m grateful I have a home to sweep.” And the craziest thing happened while I was vacuuming. I noticed I was smiling, a real genuine spontaneous smile and felt joyful. I thought wow, are you kidding me? But it really works.
And then I went to do my formal zazen practice for the day. But first, I had also recently discovered Tara Brach. And I decided to start with a guided lovingkindness meditation from her site. It was a little longer and a little different than the one I’d been doing. And in this one several times we say, “May I accept myself just the way I am.” But as I sat and tried to say that to myself, I noticed my breathing became labored and my stomach tightened. My chest ached, and I felt so hot. And no matter how much I concentrated on the words in the guided meditation or used my breathing to calm the tightness or used the mantra “pain in my heart” – nothing took away the pain in my heart.
I persevered with the 20-minute meditation, and immediately after I moved on to my 20 minutes of sitting meditation. As I sat in silence with the pain in my heart and the knot in my stomach, I focused on my breath. When my mind wandered, it wished and wished that the gong would sound signaling the end of the meditation. I marveled that trying to say the words “may I accept myself just as I am” could leave me in so much pain. But I sat with it. I felt so exhausted suddenly, and found myself nodding off and coming back to my breath – wishing the gong would ring and coming back to my breath and then nodding off and coming back to my breath. Finally, I had to stop, two minutes before the gong – I just couldn’t sit a minute longer.
I got up and laid on my bed, with the knots and the pain. And I remembered another instruction from Thich Nhat Hahn. He said that to cultivate love and acceptance of ourselves the Buddha suggested we scan the body and appreciate it every day. I had practiced a body scan meditation, but his version is a little different. So I noticed my toes and said “I smile to my toes.” I noticed my ankles and said, “I smile to my ankles.” And so on until I got to my stomach and I smiled to the knot in my stomach. As I smiled to the pain in my chest, I fell asleep.
When I woke up my heart was racing. And I remembered a teaching to comfort my pain as I would comfort my crying baby. I realized that to love myself in that moment, I just had to take a break from it. So I made a mindful decision to mindlessly eat a big bowl of homemade popcorn with too much butter and watch a lighthearted comedy. I looked away from the screen and took a mindful bite here and there. It was the best way I could think of after sitting with that pain for so long to comfort myself and be kind to myself.
When I finished, it was time to pick up my kids from school. I felt light and peaceful somehow – the way you feel after a good intense cry. Since I didn’t feel like cooking, I took them out for dinner. I was fully present and calm and enjoyed the evening with them. Nothing agitated me, not the traffic, not their tales of being ornery at school that day, nothing.
I didn’t learn to accept myself just as I am on that day. But at some point I was able to say the words without having heart palpitations, and now I can say them honestly. Still, I had more work to do than just sitting and affirming before I could shed that pain for good. It’s interesting that until that moment, I didn’t even know that many of my difficulties were rooted in a lack of self-acceptance. Cultivating self awareness is the first step to healing. Are you ready to start your spiritual journey? You’ll find tips and inspiration here.
Have you struggled with self acceptance? Share your story in the comments or contact me directly. If you would like to read more about how meditation helped me overcome a lifetime of pain, check out my ebook.
As an aside, do you have any tips for formatting in WordPress? I’m still struggling with that. This post turned out particularly bizarre with its random font sizes and spacing. Any info on correcting that will be much appreciated!
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